We are all guilty of saying hurtful things that we do not mean. Oftentimes, we hurt others because we are hurting. Therefore, it becomes difficult to apologize because we feel wronged. We want to keep our regret to ourselves, until the person who hurt us apologizes first. But this creates a vicious cycle of hurt.
Sometimes, we apologize because we know we need to, but we do not want to. We must choose between saving the relationship or saving face. However, there is a middle ground. It is all about how we apologize.
Common (Ineffective) Ways to Apologize
Most people apologize in a way that leads to greater pain and misunderstanding. For example, everyone’s favorite (not!): “I’m sorry you’re upset.”
What we really mean to say is: “It’s not my fault you’re upset. I do not regret what I did.” Not the most effective apology…
Our second favorite apology tactic is: “I am sorry, but…”
“I am sorry but, you kept yelling and I lost my temper.”
“I am sorry, but you know I get upset when you do that!”
Do you see the pattern? We apologize but then we blame the other person for our actions. A true apology takes accountability. It means owning up to what we did. However, we are allowed to express how someone’s actions impact us. We just need to do so in a way that leads to genuine understanding.
How to Apologize … And Mean it!
Instead, we should express our feelings in a sincere and effective manner. By expressing how we felt, we share our true feelings and intentions with our loved ones. We also have the opportunity to express any hurt they may have caused us. As a result, we begin to work towards repairing the relationship.
Sample Apology Phrases:
“I feel (awful, sad, guilty, ashamed, etc.) that I (your action or statement that caused pain).”
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“I was feeling (rejected, vulnerable, misunderstood, insignificant, ignored, hurt, etc.) when you (what they did or said that hurt you).”
These are called “I-Statements.” I-Statements give you ownership of your emotions, while expressing how other’s actions impacted you. They pair your feelings with another person’s behavior. They cannot be discounted, because you are simply sharing how you felt.
Why It is Difficult to Apologize
So, if there is such a simple way to apologize why don’t we all do it? Because it takes courage and vulnerability to truly express how we feel. It is even more difficult when we are hurt and we know our loved ones are hurt too. We may fear further pain, rejection, humiliation, or guilt because of our honest apology. But without taking the risk, we risk much more.
Why Apologies are Necessary in Relationships
Relationships need honest dialogue regarding our feelings to grow. We must risk sharing our vulnerability if we want to be understood.
There is the possibility that our words will not be well received. No matter what, we cannot control how others respond. Our actions cannot be undone, and our words cannot be unsaid. But if both parties are willing to try, trust and safety can be restored in relationships.
We can learn how to say sorry and mean it. By learning to express our feelings and take accountability for our actions, we allow others to do the same. We create relationships that are honest, supportive, and respectful. Over time, this also leads to greater communication, and fewer communication breakdowns.
In other words, by learning to say sorry and mean it, we find ourselves saying sorry less often. We learn to communicate with honesty, vulnerability, and compassion for ourselves and others. Therefore, it is far less likely that we will say or do hurtful things that require an apology. Isn’t that worth the risk?
Apology Exercise (Printable PDF Worksheet)
About the Author
Olivia Lynn Schnur is a writer, yoga teacher, and Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMHC). She is passionate about making mental health resources accessible for all. She writes material designed to educate, inspire, and uplift readers. Learn more at oliviaschnur.com.
Disclaimer:
This blog post and additional information posted on oliviaschnur.com represent Olivia Schnur’s personal views and should not be treated as professional guidance. The views in this blog post do not represent clinical treatment guidelines or recommendations and should not be treated as medical or mental health guidance. Furthermore, the views expressed on this blog and website do not reflect the views of any professional companies by which Olivia Schnur is employed.
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