This blog post on 8 signs you need to fire your therapist is not intended to serve as mental health or medical advice. It is simply a tool to help you look at your therapy journey from a different perspective. Please do not use this blog post to make decisions about your care. Instead, use it as a talking point with a trusted professional. Only you know what is right for your healing.
You Can Fire Your Therapist
As a therapist, I am incredibly picky about the therapists I work with. And I think you should be too. But unless you’re also a therapist, you probably don’t know what to watch out for. That’s why I put together 8 signs you need to fire your therapist for clients who’ve experienced trauma.
At the end of the day, a therapist is performing a service for you. However, I know it can feel incredibly personal. Nevertheless, they’re doing a job. And if they’re doing a bad job, they deserve to be fired.
Therapists have an ethical duty to be competent in the work they take on. And when it comes to trauma, a lack of competence can cause harm. I take that very seriously (and I hope you do too).
Therapists have a plethora of laws and ethics they must follow. The following list is not exhaustive. Instead, I choose to focus on things that might be difficult to pin-point.
Something just feels off.
Part of healing from trauma means learning to trust yourself, and honor your needs and boundaries.
So, trust yourself and know that you deserve better.
8 Signs You Need To Fire Your Therapist
1. They ask you about your trauma story right away, or before you’re ready.
Have you ever met someone and right away they dump their trauma onto you? That is a boundary violation, right? You feel a strong desire to pull away. It’s not that what they’re sharing is wrong. It’s just too much too soon, and doesn’t match the depth of the relationship.
So, why would a therapist expect you to open up about your deepest, most difficult moments right away?
Don’t get me wrong. If you want to share, go for it! I am talking about the therapists that pry, even when you’re not sure you’re ready. There is a reason you don’t feel ready. Sharing your trauma story can actually result in re-traumatization if not handled with care.
Most evidence-based therapies for trauma actually do not require you to share your trauma story in any level of detail AT ALL. And if they do, it’s done in a systematic, titrated way. So, if you’re forced to share before you feel comfortable take this as a major red flag.
2. They focus too heavily on your thoughts.
Speaking of evidence-based therapies – Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is in many ways one of the most evidence-based. What that means is there is a great deal of research to support the use of CBT for a variety of mental disorders.
CBT is based on the idea that thoughts lead to behavior. And thoughts create the mental atmosphere in your mind. That is true. And there are many wonderful uses for CBT, including in trauma work.
But when it comes to trauma, it’s not “just in your head” and changing the way you think about it does not make it any less awful or difficult to cope with.
A truly trauma-informed approach will incorporate your body in some way. Even if that just means checking in with how your body feels. But at the end of the day, you will never think yourself out of trauma.
No amount of gratitude journaling, thought stopping, or cognitive restructuring can address the havoc trauma has had on your nervous system. There is a time and a place for everything, but if your therapist has led to you believe the problem is your way of thinking, they deserve to be fired.
3. You feel stuck.
Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash
Have you ever considered it’s not you, it’s them? No really.
If you’re not making progress but you continue to show up, week after week, and do your work outside of therapy, it might be time to break up with your therapist.
You can only go as far as they can take you. Sometimes, your lack of progress might be a sign it’s time to take a different approach.
However, the caveat here is, you might share this with your therapist first. Let them know you’re feeling stuck. You might have a blind spot they can help you to see.
But if you’re stuck, and they don’t have any suggestions (or make you feel like it’s you, without giving you a reason) it’s time to move on.
4. They don’t believe people heal from trauma.
This is huge! Does your therapist actually believe people can heal from trauma? If not, why on earth are they working with you? What is their end goal in your treatment plan?
I recommend asking this question within the first couple of sessions when meeting a new therapist.
Here are a few questions you might ask:
- Do you believe people can heal from trauma?
- What is does healing from trauma look like?
- What would you hope for me by the time I am ready to finish therapy?
- How will I know I am healing from trauma?
You can get creative. But if your therapist does not believe you can heal from trauma, find someone who does! You can heal from trauma. Without a doubt. Healing is possible with the right education, support, and care.
5. You start to feel defensive or like you need to explain yourself.
Do you expect to like or align with everyone you meet? I hope not because it is just not realistic.
Some people just see the world differently. Therapists also have ways of viewing the world that guide their therapeutic approach (in our world this is called a “theory”).
It’s totally possible your therapist doesn’t get you. And sometimes that might be great. It might help you see things from a new perspective. But you should not feel the need to explain yourself to them. And you should not feel the need to justify your decisions.
It’s also possible your therapist does not get trauma. And that is a major red flag if you’ve experienced trauma. You absolutely deserve trauma-informed care.
A therapist’s number one job is to be empathetic and non-judgmental. If you’re feeling defensive or judged, it might be important to express this feeling to your therapist. Give them the opportunity to shift their approach. Perhaps, it can be resolved.
But if the problem persists, it’s ok to fire them. You deserve to feel supported and understood.
6. You feel like you’re the problem.
Photo by Nik Shuliahin on Unsplash
You went to therapy to get help. And you likely are engaging in some behaviors that are not effective. We often have negative coping skills (like excessive drinking, spending, hoarding, or avoidance behaviors) that lead to problems for us. But we go to therapy to learn positive coping skills (like meditation, journaling, boundary setting, calm communication, and self-care).
Once we know better, we do better.
But it takes time to transform your life! Making mistakes and repeating patterns is part of therapy. And therapists should expect this.
Whatever the reason, you are not the problem. You are not a problem. Sure, you have problems, but we all do. And if you’re going to therapy, you’re doing the exact right thing to help resolve those problems.
7. You leave therapy feeling triggered, dissociated, or mixed up.
Healing trauma does not mean you sob for an hour, relive your trauma in session, and leave feeing triggered, dissociated or mixed up.
If this is happening, this is a major red flag.
It might happen sometimes. But your therapist should be teaching you strategies to self-regulate, self-soothe, ground, and return to the present moment. It is their job to manage time. And it is their job to ensure you leave their office feeling safe.
If you are in the middle of a trauma narrative or reprocessing and you’re suddenly jarred back to the present with, “I’m sorry, we’re out of time today” then you are not being properly cared for.
Now, there are times this might happen. If you have built a strong relationship with a therapist and you’ve made great progress with them, I am not saying you abruptly quit working with them. However, this might be something to discuss.
But if you leave every single session feeling triggered, dissociated, or mixed up and you have not been given the skills to ground, self-soothe, or regulate when this happens you are not working with a trauma-informed therapist.
8. You feel hopeless.
Photo by Dan Meyers on Unsplash
Healing trauma is HARD work. Your therapist should be encouraging you and congratulating you for the hard work you’re doing with them and on your own.
Your therapist should be encouraging you and instilling hope that things will improve. Over time, you should start to see things shifting in your life and your behaviors that give you hope. But especially when things seem like they’re falling apart, your therapist should be there shining a light in the dark.
It is possible to heal from trauma.
Recovery from trauma is real. There is a path. And you are not walking it alone.
Breaking Up With Your Therapist and Finding a Trauma-Informed Therapist
There are evidence-based therapies for trauma. Here are a few therapies recommended from the U.S Department of Veteran’s Affairs for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD):
- Eye-Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)
- Prolonged Exposure (PE)
- Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT)
A few things to look for in trauma-informed therapist:
- They are trained in at least one evidence-based treatment for PTSD.
- They list trauma or PTSD as one of their specialties.
- They let you set the pace when it comes to what you share.
- You feel supported, validated, and heard.
- They understand attachment and developmental trauma and provide you with some education on trauma.
- They help you develop tools to cope with trauma triggers and dissociation.
For a more comprehensive understanding of trauma informed care, check out my blog post: Trauma Informed Care is More Than a Buzzword.
Supplemental Support For Healing Trauma
Photo by Content Pixie on Unsplash
I also believe that finding approaches for getting connected to the body in a safe and calming manner can be helpful for trauma survivors. Here are some things you might look into:
- Trauma sensitive yoga (TSY)
- Art therapy
- Mindfulness/meditation
- Massage
If you find it difficult to find a trauma-informed therapist in your area, you can always try self-help in the meantime. Here are a few self-help books on trauma:
- The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk, MD
- Transforming The Living Legacy of Trauma: A Workbook for Survivors and Therapists by Dr. Janina Fisher
- Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman
- It Didn’t Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle by Mark Wolynn
- How to Do the Work: Recognize Your Patterns, Heal from Your Past, and Create Your Self by Dr. Nicole LePera
A Note on Healing
We are all responsible for our own healing. This is both terrifying and empowering. If something in this post did not resonate, throw it out. I am not an expert on your healing journey. I am simply a guide.
A truly trauma informed healer will encourage you and trust you to lead the way to healing. Trust that you know the way, but you might need a supportive and educated therapist to walk alongside you.
About the Author
Olivia Lynn Schnur is a professional writer, Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Nationally Certified Counselor, EMDR Certified Therapist, Reiki Master, and Certified Yoga Teacher. She writes about healing, health, and happiness to educate, inform, and inspire readers.